Tuesday, 24 August 2010

The World of Robots By Zack Kaufen (zackkaufen@gmail.com)

A new shampoo has been developed for women (or men I guess, but the sleek stylish packaging hints that it is aimed at women) who perform maintenance to volcanoes. It also might be handy for astronauts being sent into the sun. ‘There is REALLY a product aimed specifically for those two kinds of people? Are you sure?’ I hear you ask. Yes I am sure. I couldn’t be surer.

Well, that is to say, I can’t think of a single other use for ‘Dove Therapy Heat Defense Shampoo’, a shampoo with a title that sounds more like something a HAZMAT team might resort to only when they are entering the most perilous of situations than a beauty product. Apart from perhaps, I guess, people who spend a lot of time in a sun bed, but something doesn’t fit quite right with that. I believe it’s because, if you are a person well aware that you are about to expose your heat to such extremes of temperature that a shampoo has been specifically designed to defend it then surely you would simply avoid going into a sun bed in the first place. Buy some spray tan or some such gizmo. The title of this product is so ominous that rather than making people think ‘that’s the perfect product to go with my hair straighteners!’ it’s more likely to make one say ‘Hair straighteners, what was I thinking? I refuse to expose my hair to these conditions. I love my hair.’ For those volcano abseilers out there whose (presumably brave and self sacrificial) line of work forces them to dangerous depths, it’s quite touching to find Dove catering very specifically to their needs. Must be a small market though; should we expect to see ‘Dove Rotten Fruit Proof Defense Shampoo’ for the girl who frequents pro abortion campaigns? How about ‘Dove Anti-Radiation Defense Shampoo’ for those planning a vacation to Chernobyl? Or ‘Dove Active Semen Defense Shampoo’ for the girl with specific sexual needs who’s a bit panicky her hair will feel slightly crusty afterwards?

The number one customer for this product is most likely Cillian Murphy, him having been the only person I can think of offhand who’s been to centre of the sun. Oh, I think the beautiful Rose Byrne accompanied him. I believe it was in some sort of documentary.

Apart from what I’ve seen in my local supermarket, I haven’t seen any marketing for this product. I haven’t seen any T.V adverts, which means Dove probably missed a good opportunity to get Cillian Murphy with his silky hair blowing around in the wind whilst he smirks knowingly at any passing gas giants. Cillian Murphy, it’s worth noting, is an actor I think deserves far more publicity then he gets, thus is one of a few actors I try to drop into conversation whenever possible. Person: “I saw Avatar last night, Zack!” Me: “Oh is that the one with Michael Keaton in?” .. at which point Person either says “No..” to which I reply “Oh, sorry, I thought you meant something different,” (but I’ve still done my duty by dropping his name in) or they say, baffled, “Who’s Michael Keaton?” at which point I get to revel in saying “WHO’S MICHAEL KEATON? He’s only flipping BATMAN!”. Then if they snort “You mean that guy from Terminator 4?” I get to punch them, before comparing the way that both actors brought Bruce Wayne to life in distinctive and exciting ways.

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