Choosing a pet is a tough decision. Before you can even reach the life-changing choice of Johnny Brown-with-black-spots or Timmy Black-with-brown-spots you first have to decide on a species. While my lady friend insists cuteness is the most important attribute to consider, I don’t entirely agree. I think that a pet has to have some sort of usefulness; like protecting your home from burglars. So our choice of pet is stuck somewhere between a puppy and a rhino, with (some great advances in genetic sciences notwithstanding) no compromise in sight.
The good thing about a rhino above, say, a guard dog, is that it’s sure to finish the job. No fucking burglar is going to survive that onslaught. You may worry that having a burglar-decimating pet might lead to some troubles with the law. But I don’t think so.. I think as long as you have a big clear sign outside your house you aren’t liable for the safety of intruders. And the best thing is that no-one will take seriously a sign stating “WARNING: RHINO INSIDE”. They’ll glance at it, think it’s a joke, break in and end up with a hole the size of a baseball bat in their forehead. HA. If you add “WITH BIG HORN” to the sign they’ll probably take it even less seriously.
Your only challenge then is to teach your pet rhino the difference between you, your friends, the mailman, the milkman, Santa Clause (DON’T impale) and burglars (DO impale). The easiest way is probably just to teach it to gore anyone wearing a hoody. This doesn’t allow for the possibility of having hoody-wearing friends visiting, true – but let’s face it, that’s never gonna happen.
After some pondering I thought of a possible compromise between house protection and cuteness. Perhaps we do get a bunny! Say, the cute one, with little spots on his nose like freckles (no-one wants an ugly bunny – unlike ugly ducklings they don’t form great protagonists). Let it do bunny things, as and when it pleases, but there’ll be one small addition to his hutch; a panic button. Then it can act cute all day long but as soon as some hoodies arrive on the scene it leaps and presses the panic button with his furry paw, which, like burglar alarms, contacts the police directly. Problem solved, your cute bunny has brought justice to these scummy hoody wearing burglars.
.. The only tiny downside is correctly teaching your bunny when and when not to press its button. ‘I’ve run out of carrot’ doesn’t count as a police emergency, bunny. I guess the same applies to teaching rhinos not to disembowel the milkman, but in the bunny’s case it could result in police forces being diverted from genuine emergencies. “News at ten: fourteen toddlers decapitated in nursery massacre. Police rerouted from scene moments prior to deal with “a minor lettuce crisis”.’
Instead perhaps a ‘bunny’ division could be formed at your local police station. They deal exclusively in bunny-crimes: whether it be hoodies invading the flat, misplaced cabbage or simply baby bunnies neglectfully hopping on the alarm. The bunny detectives will be there, ready to respond, day or night.